say yes and take a step…
This last week was one of explosive meltdowns more eloquently referred to as major breakthroughs in the world of transformation. A five day coaching experience where I swam in a 49 year old river of the muck of my own making.
Empowered and exhausted, I prepared to fly out Saturday evening only to discover I was stuck in Vegas thanks to the weather in NY. I had spent 5 days shaking the container. I recognized and released limiting beliefs. I acknowledged the fact that the conditioning from my childhood, most significantly the trauma of my 12 year old self who was bullied relentlessly, had rooted the belief deep down - I’m a loser - because if the cool girls, the ones who appeared to have figured out how to not only survive but thrive in the 7th grade matrix say it’s so, then it must be true. At home, I wore the label of failure since no matter how hard I tried to be a good girl, I couldn’t stop the fighting or make anyone happy. That’s when I committed myself to not be a failure and every act I took, every word I uttered was carefully crafted to achieve that goal. My cage remained small, my actions braced, my voice timid, even the language of my body was an apology for taking up space. With all of those experiences I reinforced my script…I’m unworthy, no one cares, the world is mean, brutal and unrelenting, women are cruel and vicious, I’m going to die alone. I spent the week with my shadow and now I’m here called to share some light.
I’ve learned that when you ask for growth, the Universe shows up every time and She has an incredible sense of humor. My first delay was one night and I stayed in a hotel where I felt extremely unsafe. I was emotionally and physically exhausted so I slept with one eye open. The next morning I woke up hungover on orange soda and Red Vines to find a message saying I would be stranded another night. I lost it. All of it. Right off the rails. Rageful tears, back in the sea with all my old stories, a shower of shoulds. I texted the women I knew would listen in search of sympathy. They offered to lend an ear, to give me a space where I could unload my pain. So I paused and turned inward, what did I really need at this moment? Was the answer to my freedom to pass off the hot potato to an innocent bystander or surrender and sit with the scalding heat? So I said thank you, you’ve done enough, feeling salty in my self pity. Now I hear what you may be thinking and just because I want growth and know the “right” answer, doesn’t mean I’m always grateful or graceful about it. One breath or one thousand later, I’m unsure how much time passed when out of the quiet came the words, “now ask for help”. Huh?! Ooookkk, I am committed to sharpening the tool of my intuition, so I texted a sistar who works for the airlines. Now although after much effort she could not help physically remove me from my sad little room off the Vegas strip, she offered me an invitation - treat yourself, get a nice room where you feel safe and breathe. You deserve it. Cue the tears. So again I asked, will you help me? Hotel suggestions on the way, she said. So I wiped up all the snot, packed my bags and waited curbside for the Uber to take me to the strip, simmering with anxiety. Then Cathy arrived. How's your morning? I asked. Rough she said and proceeded to share that her previous ride refused to mask up. She told them she was having cancer surgery the coming week and still they continued to berate her leaving her trapped with them on the freeway in her own vehicle. I’m grateful to say I snapped out of my funk quickly to hold space and witnessed her energetic shift as she spoke her truth. I thanked her for the gift of her vulnerability and told her that by opening up, she had rescued me. When she invited me to share my situation I said, I’m going to a nice, safe hotel when what I really need is to be outside in nature. Immediately she suggested a destination out in the Red Rock mountains and I was quickly reminded, when you ask the Universe for help and She offers you a hand, take hold. Message received and with zero preparation, I said YES. We spent the next 30 minutes talking about life, travel, God, and miracles. We filled each other's cup. I arrived at the hotel with no reservation or plan and am humbled to say that the miracles continued to unfold, too many to share here now as I’ve already exceeded my personal character limit. Needless to say, I slept peacefully that night in the embrace of the mountains.
When I woke in the morning I realized my flight had been pushed out again and now I had an entire free day before I left for the airport. Source offered me another choice, stay safe at the hotel or make another crack in the container of my conditioning, raise the heat on my emotional thermostat, clarify my vision.
For those who don’t know me, any chance I get to play outside in nature, I’m a hard YES, no experience necessary. So after a little inquiry I came to find out that I could rent a car through the concierge and drive myself to Red Rock National Park where beauty and adventure awaited me. Hard YES right? Wrong! Here comes the voice, “you’ve never hiked alone”, “I’m so tired”, “you can’t afford it”, “it’s dangerous”, “What if”…insert any tragic outcome here. Moment of truth, all of my greatest adventures have been in the company of at least one other human. The times I have ventured out alone were to places where I already had a relationship, a place that felt familiar and safe, where there was a good chance I could predict the outcome. Boom. Now for a woman who is on a grand journey of transformation, called to share empowering adventures with others, this was a prime opportunity to spread my wings and reinforce those new beliefs.
So I got still, I found the earth beneath my feet and the breath in my body, I clapped my hands together and cleared my energy, called in my spirit guides and asked, who do you want to be Michele? The answer? I want to be a woman that is only afraid NOT to fail (go ahead, read it again). I want to be a woman who is living proof to others that the BS story we write for ourselves to keep us safe is exactly that - a story. Mine was written by a young girl who stayed quiet and played small to survive in a toxic world. The moment I turned the key in the ignition, letter by letter, word by word, I began to write a new story. One where I was nervous and did it anyway and reframed that familiar feeling I had labelled as fear, as excitement. I chose an area that was popular and a trail that was accessible. Important note, my perfectionist tried to tell me if it wasn’t rated “hard” then the action was not good enough, therefore neither was I. Pause again, rewrite. I was here to build new muscles. The challenge didn’t need to be rated hard by someone else to be enough for me and I’m never alone when I’m connected to Great Nature. Every step that felt scary (and there were quite a few), I reminded myself ALOUD (YES let them call me crazy, what others think of me is no longer my business), I am strong, I am confident, I am resilient, I am powerful, I am enough. On this journey I found beauty beyond imagination and guess what, I also fell (and got up) more than once. I found rock climbers who reminded me of my courage, humans who reflected my joy and Mother Earth who refueled me with love.
Approaching the parking lot, I noticed a giant boulder slightly off trail that was calling me to connect (my rock people feel me). I placed my hands gently upon her, breathed her in, placed a kiss upon her skin and said thank you more times than I can count. When I opened my eyes, a few feet away sat my spirit guide, a blue bird. I slowly walked towards her in awe and the moment I moved my hand down to steal a photo, she spread her brilliant blue wings and disappeared. I’d have no hard proof she existed, left to trust the knowing now burned deep into my heart. The faith that when I say YES and take a step, Spirit always rises up to meet me.
I love you.
Just keep going…
xo
M